All the Facts about Music and Heartbreak
by Drew Kolar
Whether it is at dinner, by phone, by post-it or by e-mail, almost everyone has been or will be dumped at least once in their life. Sometimes the feeling is mutual, but more often than not, one person will be left heartbroken.
The question then remains how the crushed party deals with the pain. Though some people turn to ice cream and movies - or in severe cases to violence and arson - to artists, breakups are a major inspiration, and the heartbreak helps their particular creative outlets flourish. Musical artists are no exception.
Just look at the success Alanis Morissette found after her vengeful hit "You Oughta Know." Though it wrongfully led her to be labeled her as a man-hater, that one song has helped many scorned women - and even men - to deal with the pain of a lover who has walked out on them. So what does a good breakup song need?
"Experience in the lyrics," said Kathy Dragonetti, "so you know they felt it at one time or another."
Dragonetti, a real estate title closer and mother from Long Island, believes that breakup songs help bring out feelings of sadness and anger, but they also let people know they are not the only ones who have had those feelings.
"You're not the only one that has ever gone through the pain,” she said.
New York University student Julie Edelshteyn agrees that this type of song requires actual experience on the artist's behalf that the listeners can relate to.
"Listening to a breakup song makes me feel really depressed," she said,"“and in serious need of chocolate ice cream and some crying."
Of course, the need to gorge on ice cream may not be the only side effect. Adam Bolner, a student from Long Island who recently relocated to Brooklyn, believes in taking a more active approach post-breakup.
"My favorite breakup song is definitely Rihanna's 'Breaking Dishes,'" he explained. “It makes me feel like being violent towards the breakup-ee. Action is always much more fun. Emotion really just lets you wallow in your misery."
Even those who have not experienced serious relationships or felt the burn of heartache, such as NYU student Carrie Smith, can get some vicarious feelings from the emotional tunes.
"Having never really gone through a breakup, I don't know why I listen to them," said Smith, "but they are oddly appealing somehow, especially for [Fiona Apple's] "Get Gone." They're sort of empowering. Yeah, it's a song about a terrible relationship-ending thing, but at the same time it's like, 'Well, I don't need you! I'm okay by myself!' So in that way, they're uplifting."
Musical artists seem to agree with these listeners on the aspects of good breakup tunes. Teresa Lee Chaisiri, lead singer of the New York-based band PaperDoll, says that being dumped is a part of life, and breakup songs for her are very therapeutic.
"Sometimes it's really nice to have a long hard cry, pick yourself up, and get on with life," said Chaisiri, "and a breakup song is a great way to help you through the process."
Many songs by Chaisiri's band could be classified as self-aware or tough, such as the track "Everything is Fine," where the singer realizes that things are actually not that fine. The therapy of a breakup song is taken to yet another level for Chaisiri, as for many other artists, than it is for listeners-she believes that they are also empowering to the writer.
"Writing breakup songs gives you the last word," she said, "even if the boy you're writing or singing about never hears it. It's cathartic."
For Norwegian songstress Kate Havnevik, who has been traveling between London and New York promoting her new album Melankton, these cries of heartbreak are a source of comfort for a hurt soul.
"A breakup song is never important until your first breakup," she explained. "Then you will hang on to that song for later difficult disasters. It becomes something comforting, like a friend who knows how you feel."
Havnevik has had seven songs featured on the television show Grey's Anatomy, many of which were in very gut-wrenching and emotional scenes. Her song "Grace" was done for the show when the producers asked her to write a song about "devastating loss."
"I have written autobiographical ones and fictional ones," said Havnevik of her breakup song repertoire. "They both come easily to mind, surprisingly. It's just a very familiar feeling that everyone can relate to, and if you can't then it's just a matter of time, sorry to say."
Bjørn-Ruben Thomassen, stage-named Bace, is a little stricter in his opinions of a good breakup song; he believes that they don't need "silly metaphors or blunt imagery."
"It needs to be convincing and heartfelt for me to think it's a good breakup song," he said. "And I don't like the happy breakup songs either. For me they're very unconvincing. It's like, 'Fine I get it; you're free again, but what about the other person whose heart you probably just trampled on?'"
Thomassen is also a Norwegian artist, looking to get his first taste of radio play in Australia as well as his hometown in Norway in the coming weeks. As a listener, however, even another artist's lyrics can bring him right back to his own life.
"Generally you could say I almost always, even subconsciously, relate what I listen to to my own experiences," he said, "so listening to songs like that definitely brings back memories - both good and bad ones, naturally. It depends on the person I relate it to, but I guess most of the time it makes me think, 'What if?'"
Overall, it seems that a good breakup song depends on the amount of relationship experience the performer actually has in their own life, but it also boils down to the taste of the individual listener and the type of feelings that they are left with. So if your heart has just been smashed and you are looking for a bit of melodic healing, the best idea is to search around - and there are many to choose between, from contemporary (Matchbox Twenty's "If You're Gone," Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn," or of course Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know") to classic (The Rolling Stones' "Miss You" or ABBA's "The Winner Takes it All").
There are also some lesser-known gems that could help heal the aches and pains of your soul. Here are some suggestions from the interviewees:
As mentioned, Bolner envisions wreaking havoc to Rihanna's "Breaking Dishes" while Smith pulls vicarious satisfaction from Fiona Apple's "Get Gone," which she describes as "angry but beautiful at the same time." Meanwhile, Edelshteyn prefers Hinder's track "Better Than Me," and Dragonetti weeps to Keith Urban's "Think of Me." Thomassen's choice is "To Be Free" by Icelandic artist Emilíana Torrini.
"This song is full of melancholy but also acceptance: facing the fact that one has to move on," Thomassen said. "She sings, 'If it's so good being free, would you mind telling me why I don't know what to do with myself?' It's just brilliant, really."
Chaisiri offered many suggestions, including some great classics. When she is sad and pining, she prefers "You Don't Know Me" by Ray Charles, "Somebody to Love" by Queen, or any song by Puccini. For anger, she suggests Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive," and to get over the pain she prefers our America's beloved Idol, Kelly Clarkson, and her track "Since U Been Gone."
Havnevik's suggestion, however, is probably not so well-known in this part of the world: "I don't know if this is a breakup song or not," she said, “but I love the French song 'Ne Me Quitte Pas' by Jacques Brel, English translation 'If You Go Away.' Read the lyrics on the net. It's just so sad and heartbreaking, and when you are heartbroken there's nothing like milking it a bit."
Whether you are a writer or a listener, the key to a good breakup song is honesty. It should be relatable without being falsified and should embody emotions that we all have felt. These songs can bring out the deepest emotions in people: sadness or rage, or sometimes even forgiveness and acceptance. Always remember to just be honest, whether it is honest with your listeners or honest with yourself. Oh, and try not to destroy too much of your ex-lover's stuff in the process.
